The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
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bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.