So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
You Might Also Like
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.