I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
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When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.