The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
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instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off