An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
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Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Me trying to look natural in photos
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Stonehinge
Still cracks me up
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.