You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
The symmetry is uncanny.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.