Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
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[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.