Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
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Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
And that about sums it up.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.