Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
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I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two