Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
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Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.