*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.