Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
You Might Also Like
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now