If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.