Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
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If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
79.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.