So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
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LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?