i made a craigslist ad !
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Love is always patient and kind.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail