I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
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I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
We have a winner.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.