Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
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Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait