Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
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Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Worth a try
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”