Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
You Might Also Like
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
is this store having a stroke wtf
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding