Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
You Might Also Like
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.