Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
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Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
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