what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
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Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
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Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
this has to be peak English
Autocorrect is my menesis
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game