I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
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According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit