*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
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damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.