My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
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Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.