tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
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Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
This meeting could have been a cake
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Meow
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
.. do you even science?
incredible
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?