[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
You Might Also Like
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Fights fire with marshmallows
If a snake ate a cake
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.