SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
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My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks