Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
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“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
How about daylight saves us for once
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind