My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
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The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
There is no “ea” in Tim.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT