I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.