Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Bobby pin
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme