Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
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[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree