If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
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ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Help Wanted
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.