dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
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“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?