Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
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The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
And then there were 4
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Breaking news:
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!