Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
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FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10