* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell ākiss, kiss, kissā every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Me: I realized Iāve never made a goose happy. Iāve never made a goose sad, but Iāve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 š
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!š
yeh iāll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause Iām barely holding it together
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
If by environmentalist you mean āI try to get out of doing things by saying itās bad for the environmentā then yes, Iām an environmentalist.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please donāt take it personally
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? Iām telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.