I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
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My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok