[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!