Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
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Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t