I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
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“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Rt to bother an English speaker
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Good Morning.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.