Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.