[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
You Might Also Like
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.