I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
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COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake