Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
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Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.