Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
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God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
groan^2
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
When life hands you women, make women laid.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.