You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
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Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
*praying for world peace*
God:
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….