Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
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watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
describing stardew valley
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again